A New Fanwork

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A New Fanwork

Post by Waytfm on 2012-03-05, 02:50

I've finally gotten off my butt and started putting together a fanwork. In this one, the heroine has... something. I think I'll let the community try and guess if they feel interested enough. The disorder isn't apparent in the first installment, but it will (hopefully) become more clear as I post more. This is probably something that will go up slowly, as I don't have a lot of extra time or a clear idea of how this story is supposed to end yet. We'll see how it goes. This first installment isn't the beginning, but it's the only scene I felt motivated to write about at the moment. When I get everything in order, I'll probably edit in a beginning when I get everything sorted out. I'm also going to wait to put up the title, because I don't have one yet, and all of my ideas would probably give away the secret.

Any feedback or criticism would be greatly appreciated.

Thank you for reading.

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I lean against the wrought iron gate, waiting for her to arrive. The black bars are warm to the touch from the day’s sunlight, and provide a nice contrast to the cool breeze of the evening. It’s definitely not hot out, so why are my hands so clammy?

I wipe my palms off on my jeans. She’s not even here yet, and I’m already sweating buckets. Why in the world did she agree to go out with me? Could she just be leading me on? Will she even show up?

A quick glance at my watch tells me I need to calm down. 5:40; there’s still five minutes before she is supposed to be here anyways. I let out a sigh and try to relax. Closing my eyes, I let the sounds of the evening hustle of people lull me into a state of drowsiness….

“We haven’t even started the date yet, and you’ve already gone to sleep. I hope that isn’t a sign of how the rest of the evening will go.” A familiar voice interrupts my relaxation.

“Nope. Just waiting on you.” I reply, a smile emerging on my face. I open my eyes to a beautiful sight. A tall thin girl stood on the sidewalk in front of me. Andrea Becker. Blonde hair fell in waves down to thin shoulders. She wore a bright red jacket, jeans, and black boots that rose up to a few inches below her knees.

“Sure, you were.” She replies, a bemused smile playing on her lips. Her green eyes shone with excitement. “Well, shall we be going then?”

“We shall.” I close the distance between us and offer my arm to her. She lets out a small giggle and accepts, wrapping her arm around mine.

“What a gentleman.” She comments, that same smile of bemusement still on her face. She was close enough that I could feel her warm breath on my cheek. Hopefully she wouldn’t notice the slight blush that I could feel beginning to form on my face. Having her so close to me was… exhilarating… A rush. Don’t screw this up.

We walk arm in arm towards our destination, a small coffee shop that we both frequented. After that we would be off to a theater to see a movie. It’s not much, but for a money-deprived student it was about all I could afford.

“Are we going to the coffee shop?” She questions, breaking the spell of silence that had befallen us.

“That’s what I was planning on, unless you want to go somewhere else.” I search her face, worried that I had chosen a poor destination. Thinking about it now, it was a place that we both went to regularly. Was it not special enough for a date?

“It doesn’t matter to me, you’re paying.” She says, sticking her tongue out at me. Her joking demeanor sets my worries at ease. “It’s fine, I love going there.”

“Oh that’s good, I’d already set it up for you to do dishes to pay for our food, so it wouldn’t do to go anywhere else now.” I return her joke. She pushes her shoulder into me, knocking me off balance.

“Jerk. Why don’t you just try it and see.” I hear her reply as a stumble for my balance. Finding my feet, I look over at her. The bemused smile is back, and a competitive gleam in her eyes tells me I’m not about to get the last word in.

“I guess I’ll have to pay then.” I concede the contest with a smile. She beams back at me.

“Come on, come on. We’re almost there.” She urges, picking up the pace and pulling me alongside her. I quicken to match her gait, and we arrive within a few minutes.

A large plate-glass window reveals a brightly lit shop, mostly empty save for a few other groups and couples that graced its tables. I open the door. The aroma of coffee and pastries floods through the opening.

“After you miss.” I say in my best impression of a butler as I give a small bow.

“Why certainly Jeeves.” She says, instantly playing along. “You can go keep the car running and await my return.” Her attempt to replicate a fancy British accent fails miserably, and I let out a barking laugh.

“That was a horrible impersonation.” She sticks her tongue out at me.

“Bad Jeeves. No pay for a week.” She admonishes me.

“Terribly sorry miss.” I respond, my smile still prominent on my face. She sticks her tongue out at me again as she passes over the threshold and towards the wood-topped counter. I quickly follow behind her. A couple seated close to the door looks over at us and smile before returning to their conversation.

I look over to see Andrea taking to the barista, a short girl who didn’t look to be much older than us. Her brown hair was disheveled, with arrant strands of hair poking out here and there. It doesn’t seem to affect her bubbly mood at all though, and she’s conversing happily with Andrea.

“I’ll have a mocha, and, I’m not sure what he wants. What are you getting?” She turns to me.

“I’ll have the cappuccino please.” I tell the barista.

“Alrighty then, is that all, no food or anything?”

“That’s all for me.” Andrea glances at me and I reply with the same.

“Ok, just sit wherever you want and I’ll bring you your coffee.” The barista blows a few stray bangs out of her face and turns to make out order.

We take a table in the corner, away from the rest of the customers. The table itself was impeccably clean; it’s wood top spotless and gleaming, but my attention was focused on the figure in front of me.

She had taken off her red jacket to reveal a white blouse with black buttons running down the front. It certainly fit her very well, and I had to make an effort not to stare.

“So, what did you think about that test in math?” I ask, latching on to the first conversational idea that presented itself. Her response is to throw her head down on the table.

“Blaaaaaah.” Her groan of despair is muffled by the table.

“That bad?”

“Yeah.” She replies, sitting upright again. “I knew it wasn’t going to be pretty before I took it though.”

“I thought you were pretty good with math?”

“Only when I study.” She says, somewhat bitterly

“Ah, I’m sorry. “

“Don’t be. It’s just one test. I’ll be fine.” She consoles. Suddenly, her gaze shifts past me. “That looks like our order. That was quick.”

Shifting in my seat, I turn to see the barista coming with our drinks.

“Here you go, one cappuccino and one mocha. Have a good night you two.” She sets the drinks in front of us along with a bill. We give her our thanks and she leaves. “Just a moment sir, I’ll be right with you.” She calls out to a customer waiting at the counter as she turns.

The aroma of our beverages washes over us, enticing us to take a sip. Delicious.

We continue our conversation, this time interspersed between sips of coffee. It only covers small talk, but I still find myself entranced by it. Grades, gossip, or general happenings all seemed interesting when they were discussed with her.

It was a random glance at my watch that broke the spell the conversation held over me.

“Uh-oh, we need to go, the movie starts soon. “ I say as I stand up and put my own black jacket back on.

“Oh no, we’re not going to miss it, are we?”

“Nah, I just wanted to leave a little earlier. We should still make it in time though.” I pick up the bill and start to turn to go pay.

“Do you want me to pay for mine?” She asks.

“I got it.”

“You sure?” She asks in confirmation as she stands up, pulling her jacket over herself.

“Of course.” We both head over to the counter. I hand the money over to the barista with a few dollars in tip.

“Thank you. I hope you found it alright.”

“You’re welcome. The drinks were great.” We finish giving our thanks and leave. The cool evening breeze hits us as we cross the threshold. Andrea grabs my arm this time, and begins to pull me along as she hurries towards the theater.

“How long until the movie starts?”

“It’s fine; we still have about fifteen minutes before the movie starts. That’s plenty of time to make it there.”

“Oh, okay then. Why did you want to get there so early?” She settles into a more comfortable pace and looks up at me.

“Just out of habit. My dad is a stickler for punctuality and I guess he passed that onto me.” I say with a small laugh.

We quickly arrive at the theater. Opening the glass doors, the smell of popcorn is almost overpowering. The theater itself was gaudy, with brightly colored carpet and walls. Pictures of popcorn and movie reels adorn the carpet, posters and cutouts of up and coming releases adorn the walls. Just like a million other theaters all over the world.

We enter and make our way up to the attendant. The movie we were going to see was a romantic comedy, and actually seemed pretty enjoyable. I figured it would make a good date movie.

The lines aren’t very long and they move quickly, so we soon reach the attendant. He’s a guy who looks about our age, maybe a little younger; sixteen or seventeen years old. He has bright red hair, twisted in a mess of unruly curls. His face is covered in acne, forming a drastic contrast to his pale white skin. “Joe” is featured prominently on his nametag.

“Hi, we’d like two tickets for that new romantic comedy that’s out tonight.” I say to Joe. He seems taken aback at the request.

“I’m sorry sir. It’s been sold out for a while now.” Joe says this with the air of someone who has had to repeat it multiple times. He seems to cower slightly as he says this.

“Ah, shit. Really?”

“I really am sorry. Terribly terribly sorry, sir.” He holds his hands up in front of him in a placating gesture.

“It’s fine.” I say as I exhale a sigh. “Is there anything else you want to see?” I ask, turning to Andrea. She scans over the list of titles.

“Not really…” She says, looking at me. “What about you?”

“Same here.” I look down at her. “I’m really sorry. I guess we should have gotten here earlier after all…” I trail off, feeling like crap. There we go. I knew I would screw it up somehow. It had been going so well too…

“It’s okay, you didn’t know.” She consoles, placing a hand on my shoulder. Apparently my feelings were more obvious than I thought. “Come on, let’s just walk around. I don’t want to go back yet.” She begins tugging on my arm.

“Okay, then.” I concede to her pleas. Turning to the attendant, I apologize for wasting his time.

“It’s perfectly fine sir.” He says looking relived at the peaceful outcome. We turn and head back out the door, back into the cool breeze.

“Is there anywhere in particular you want to go?” I ask

“Not really, I’m fine with just walking around though. It’s a nice night.”

It really is a nice night. It’s not overly cold for this time of year, and there’s not a cloud in the sky. The stars and moon are vibrant. It’s a beautiful night, and I shouldn’t spend it down in the dumps. I have a beautiful girl at my side, and we’ve been having fun.

For a time we both just walk in silence, taking in the sights. The city is still very much alive. The noises of the hustle and bustle as others walk to and fro wash over me. The purr of car engines provided a comforting static, although they probably would have driven me crazy any other time. Right now I was perfectly content.

Andrea shares a similar look of contentment. Still clutching my arm, she glides along serenely. Her eyes sparkle with the lights of the city. Her hair shines a radiant gold. She looked… stunning… gorgeous… absolutely beautiful…

My staring catches her eye. She turns to look at me more intently. Her familiar smile intensifies as I quickly try to avert my gaze.

“You’re cute. Did you know that?” Her proclamation catches me off guard, and I stumble for a reply.

“Th-Thank you.” Is all that eventually comes out. I feel my face begin to turn red and I hear her giggle.

“Absolutely adorable.” She follows up with. My surprise has worn off by this point and I manage a reply.

“You’re not half bad yourself.” She squeezes my arm in protest.

“Hey now…” She says, letting her faux threat tumble into nothingness.

We continue with our walk, our conversation drifting on and off. We’re both simply happy to be there with the other. Her presence at my side is enough for me. After a while, we wind up near the iron gate of the school from which we set out. Andrea tries to stifle a yawn and fails.

“Come on. Let’s go back.” I urge her. “It’s getting pretty late and you look spent.”

“I guess we should. It’ll be curfew in a little while.” She concedes, no longer trying to hide her yawn. It was getting late, and we’d been walking for a couple of hours.

We pass through the iron portcullis, and head down the path that leads to the dormitories. The smell of fresh cut grass lingers over the campus from earlier in the day. We walk in silence, and I am simply happy just to walk next to her. A few other people are also scurrying back to the dorms. We quickly reach a fork in the sidewalk, one path leading to the girl’s dorm and the other leading to my own dorm. We stop and look at each other.

“I guess this is where we separate.” I say to her, wistfully wishing we didn’t have to part. “I’m sorry we couldn’t make it to the movie…”

“It’s fine, I still had fun.” She says. “Besides, I think it works out best like this.”

“Why is that?” I ask, my thought turning to our long walk through the city. She flashes me a mischievous smile.

“Because now you have to take me to see it later.” A smile breaks out on my face when I realize the implication.

“How about next weekend? There probably won’t be such a rush then.” The beaming smile she gives me is answer enough.

“Sounds like a date.” Her smile disappears as a look of disappointment appears on her face. “I guess I should get going now though…” Her voice trails off as speaks. She seems to ponder a second, and then an impish look appears on her face, her green eyes flashing. “Don’t I get a goodnight kiss now?”

I instantly turn out a red hot blush. I step in and place my arms around her waist; hopefully she doesn’t feel my hands shaking. I move my face in closer and she moves to meet me, her normally shining green eyes are hidden behind her closed eyelids. At the last moment, my nerves get the better of my and I change my course, instead planting a kiss on her cheek. I step back and she opens her eyes; her face a mix of happiness and disappointment. Traces of her usual impishness quickly mix into her expression as she stares at me.

“My turn.” She says as she quickly steps in. Before I can react, she places her lips firmly on mine. They’re warm and soft and wonderful. My shock makes me slow to react, but I eventually warm up and lean into her. Placing my arms around her waist, I pull her in even closer; pressing her against myself. I feel my face turn redder than ever as she pulls back after some unknown amount of time. I feel lightheaded. She steps in towards me again; this time, she pulls me into a tight hug.

“Like I said; you’re absolutely adorable.” She whispers into my ear, her warm breath ruffling my hair and blowing across my ear. I spend a glorious moment still to shocked to speak. Instead, I simply enjoy the moment. Her hair smells like springtime, like new flowers; and it blends perfectly with smell of the cut grass.

“Like I said; you’re not half bad yourself.” I squeeze her tight, and she returns the gesture. “Goodnight.” I say as we finally separate and head back to the dorms, each on our individual paths. I watch the beaming grin on her face until she disappears behind the shrubbery that separates the two paths, my heart pounding. Goodnight Andrea, see you tomorrow...


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Re: A New Fanwork

Post by Gloom on 2012-03-07, 12:21

In short: wow!

Not in short: I am not sure if this was your intention in writing this scene, but either way, I'm absolutely charmed by the simplistic, elegant beauty of it. You've managed to write a scene (or a chapter, or a story) that has no point (at least as far as I can see), but that in the same time is all but meaningless. I've been trying to do something like that for years, and have never managed to. There were no drawn out, confusing, gloomy internal monologues: just a flowing, completely natural conversation between two characters - and yet both of them shone clearly through it without ever needing to essentially blurt out an out-of-place expository information dump.

The descriptions all blur smoothly yet clearly into each other: I could imagine every single moment as if it was a frame from a movie - but it never felt tedious or over-intentional. Just a casual, natural, yet completely perfect placement of otherwise inconsequential scenery details that made the story feel so complete and professional.

The secondary characters (yes, I consider them a part of the scenery) of the barista and Joe felt just lively enough to be realistic yet not so much as to hog the spotlights away from people who actually matter to the story, and this is just how secondary characters should be.

The atmosphere, realistic without being boring for once and romantic without being cheesy, has also been masterfully woven into the piece.

On the negative side, I think that I've found a few spelling or grammar errors, but then again, I myself am not exactly a professor of English, so it would be a little hypocritical of me to anally point them out. And that's assuming none of it was actually me being wrong and you being right.
Also, towards the end, and this is just my opinion here, I did start to feel like you've been overusing Andrea's tongue a little, so to speak. It was cute the first time you've mentioned her sticking it out, it was amusing the second time, but at some point it'd just started feeling as if she's just walking around with her tongue out.
But we still don't know much about her as a character (which is incredible, because you did manage to make her very likable without actually telling us anything concrete about her), so maybe it just has something to do with what we don't know.

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Re: A New Fanwork

Post by Waytfm on 2012-03-07, 15:54

Wow, I'm not sure what to do with all that praise... Thank you. It almost makes me just want to stop here because I'd screw it up if I continued.

The criticisms on the other hand, I can deal with. I'm sure there are a lot of grammatical errors. It's much more likely you're in the right here (Especially if they involve comma splices Razz ). If you feel like it, could you PM them to me so I could correct them? The tongue was something I did worry about overusing. In fact, I'm not entirely sure why I didn't go back and fix it. Oh well, I think I'll keep it for now.

Thank you for the criticism.
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Re: A New Fanwork

Post by Leotrak on 2012-03-08, 09:17

... I have no idea why people tell me my writing's good when there's writers like you around O.O Mind = Blown

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Re: A New Fanwork

Post by Mr Immortal on 2012-03-08, 14:16

If Chuck Norris' beard could write....

Obviously I'm over exaggerating, but I still fairly enjoyed this. It's kinda hard to make a guy sound romantic in a story without him being cheesy, but you pulled it off fairly well. I didn't notice any grammatical errors, and there was nothing I particularly disliked, so I guess you're of the hook for now sunny

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Re: A New Fanwork

Post by Waytfm on 2012-03-08, 18:25

Leotrak wrote:... I have no idea why people tell me my writing's good when there's writers like you around O.O Mind = Blown

I can't read my own works without cringing, so I don't have the slightest clue what you're talking about. I still appreciate the sentiments though. Hopefully the next installment will uphold this marvelous standard I've apparently set for myself. I'm still working things out in my spare time though, so it might be a few days before I can put that up.

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Re: A New Fanwork

Post by Malkav on 2012-03-08, 19:56

Very good! I agree with almost everything that Gloom had to say about it. It flowed perfectly, with just the right amount of detail and brevity to keep me hooked. There were quite a few mistakes involving both punctuation and spelling/word use, but nothing that really interfered with understanding the story. But those can be cleaned up with a bit of time and scrutiny. I didn't think the tongue-use was noticeably excessive, though.

All in all, to quote your character, Andrea: "Absolutely adorable."
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Re: A New Fanwork

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