Broken Glass

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Broken Glass

Post by Waytfm on 2012-03-22, 04:05

So, I've really run into a roadblock with how I want to proceed with my other fic, so I'm changing things up for now. This is the first part of a fic I've been meaning to write for a while, and just haven't gotten around to it. This fic deals with a girl who's a nymphomaniac, which is something Gloom is also writing about. After reading the first part of his, I was glad because I had already planned mine to go in a different direction. I still haven't read any more of it though, just in case it starts to move in the same direction mine is going. Hopefully, that won't be the case though. Please let me know what you think. I appreciate (nay, demand Twisted Evil ) feedback and criticism.

Thank you for reading.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I lay back on the bed and looked over at the figure resting peacefully beside me. Moonlight through a crack in the curtains illuminated her, although everything else in the room was still shrouded in night. A look of utter contentment defined her sleeping face, her tousled brown hair creating a messy frame. Even the thick comforter that covered us couldn’t completely obscure the curves of her gorgeous body. Eva Bauer… How had I ended up with Eva Bauer like this?

Our first date had been earlier today. It was nothing special, just a trip out to eat and then to see a play that was being put on by the drama club. It was obvious we both had a great time, but I was still surprised when she insisted I stay the night in her dorm room. She had just transferred to the university here, so I had expected her to limit it to a goodnight kiss at most. Still, I wasn’t about to turn down the offer, so I followed her in. One thing quite naturally led to another, with the end result being this sleeping beauty now resting on my shoulder. Quietly stifling a yawn, I shut my eyes and awaited sleep. As worn out as I was, the sandman had no problems finding me.

I awoke later with a start. Fending off my early morning disorientation, I struggled for a moment to remember where I was. Ah, that’s right. I think to myself as the events of yesterday come flooding back to me. The bed next to me was empty, with only the slightest bit of warmth to suggest anyone had occupied it recently. A quick glance at the clock on her night table revealed the time to be just after 8:30 in the morning. She must have had an early class. Getting out of the bed, I pull my clothes on and leave.

The dreaded walk of shame was pleasantly uneventful. It was right in the middle of classes, so everybody was either at class or sleeping in. I made it out of her dorm building without spotting a soul, and I only saw a few people on the way to my own dorm; none of whom seemed to pick up on the slight embarrassment that played on my features. Making it back to my own dorm safely, I began to prepare for classes of my own. Hopefully I’d get to see Eva again soon.
-----------------------------
My classes were uneventful until I reached calculus, which I shared with Eva. The high pitched creak uttered by the door as I pushed it open alerted the few students there, who had made it to class before me, of my presence. I ignored five of the six sets of eyes that turned towards me as I entered. My attention was solely focused on the radiant green eyes that belonged to Eva.
Her brown hair was arranged much neater now, and a small, knowing smile played on her red lips. A black book bag rested on her lap, obscuring most of her body from me. As I turned the corner of the wooden table where she sat, however, I saw that she was wearing scarlet jacket over a white blouse, its buttons fighting a battle they were probably destined to lose someday. A short black skirt and long matching leggings covered her legs, with just a strip of pale white skin showing between the two.

“Good morning, sleepy-head.” Eva leaned over and whispered to me as I took my seat next to her. A small giggle punctuated her words. “I didn’t think you were ever going to wake up. I would’ve done it myself, but you just looked too damn cute to bother. I remembered you said you didn’t have any classes first thing in the morning, so I figured it was alright.”

“Thanks.” I respond sheepishly, not fully knowing how to react. Cute? I’d never thought of myself as cute. But, who am I to tell that face she’s wrong? I think as I look over at her, that face scrunched up in a wide grin.

“I think I should be thanking you. I had a wonderful time last night.” Her eyes shone as she talked.

“D-Don’t mention i—

“QUIET OVER THERE YOU TWO!” A loud booming voice made the entire class jump, but none more so than me, as the professor roughly pushed open the door. “I expect you to be ready to start class the moment I arrive, not after you finish with all of your little conversations.” The large man scolded as he let his cargo of large books fall on his desk with an echoing thud. Professor Herring was someone with an extremely short fuse at the best of times, and even that seemed burnt out as the paced at the front of his class. Judging from the disarray of his already poorly crafted toupee, he had been in quiet the hurry to get here.

I quickly hung my head and averted my eyes from his, my face shining red with embarrassment. On my right, Eva let out an irritated huff as she swung her head to the side. Pausing a moment in her anger, she quickly wrote a short note on a piece of scrap paper. Her handwriting was large, ornate even. I had no trouble reading it from where I sat.

Talk later, K?

I nodded my assent. Then, I prepared myself to suffer through Proffessor Herring’s hour and a half sneak preview of hell.

As we crawled past the half-way mark on our journey through Beelzebub’s Domain, a small sound from my right shook me from stupor. It was extremely faint, almost to the point where I thought I had imagined it. It was a sound I recognized though. I very slowly turned my head, just enough to see Eva from the corner of my eyes. Her face was ever so slightly tinged with red about her cheeks, and the sound I heard was… panting…? My mind immediately flashed back to last night. It couldn’t be… There’s no way she’d… My eyes travel down her body. The book bag was still sitting there on her lap, after all this time. Her right hand disappeared underneath it. Could she possibly be doing that? Here in the middle of class? There’s no way that would be the case. Right? I turn my head back even slower than before. There’s just no way anybody would do something like that. I kept repeating to myself, but all the while, I still heard the soft panting in my ears.

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Re: Broken Glass

Post by Malkav on 2012-03-22, 15:20

Yaaaay, a short one! Of course, everyone strives for length, but it's always something of a relief to only spend five minutes digesting new fiction, as opposed to thirty Smile now, critique time.

You could use just a bit more variation with your words, perhaps. It's hard for me to really say that with certainty, since this is rather short, but you seem to have grown comfortable with a word, once it works in a given situation ('just', 'was', 'face', and 'eyes', for example). Check out some synonyms to mix it up, or maybe attempt to write the sentence differently while still keeping the same idea. It's not a significant problem here, but it could improve the overall flow.

Also, in one or two instances, I noticed a misspelled or mistaken word (quiet instead of quite), but these appeared to be more like typo-oriented errors than anything else. Everything else looks otherwise A-okay!

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Re: Broken Glass

Post by Exbo on 2012-03-22, 16:26

I usually don't write. So I can't give a full opinion and feedback like some others.
But, it's a good scene. I liked it.

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Re: Broken Glass

Post by Waytfm on 2012-03-22, 16:34

Malkav wrote:Yaaaay, a short one! Of course, everyone strives for length, but it's always something of a relief to only spend five minutes digesting new fiction, as opposed to thirty Smile now, critique time.

You could use just a bit more variation with your words, perhaps. It's hard for me to really say that with certainty, since this is rather short, but you seem to have grown comfortable with a word, once it works in a given situation ('just', 'was', 'face', and 'eyes', for example). Check out some synonyms to mix it up, or maybe attempt to write the sentence differently while still keeping the same idea. It's not a significant problem here, but it could improve the overall flow.

Also, in one or two instances, I noticed a misspelled or mistaken word (quiet instead of quite), but these appeared to be more like typo-oriented errors than anything else. Everything else looks otherwise A-okay!

Yeah, one of my assignments for school was to write a flash fiction piece, so I've really been in the mood to write short installments. I probably won't write any long installments on this one for a while.

Reading through it again, after I've had some time to let it sit, I see what you mean about the repetition. I'll have to pay more attention to that.

Lastly, I hate typos that word won't catch like that. I won't notice them myself unless I read through really intently, which I didn't do last night. I'll definitely try to fix that. Thanks for the feedback Smile

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Over the wintry
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-Soseki

SemiPolish wrote:"WTF is Voldemort doing with a freezy pop in his nose?"
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